But then I also think about how Jay and I used to talk about how calming the rain was, and how much we loved it. How kissing in the rain was always the best. And the days we walked home from crew in the pouring rain. Or how one time the rain knocked out his power and he called to tell me how much he wished I was over there right then.
I weigh the two and think about how I felt at both times. Comfort. Love. Which times felt better? I cant say. When did I go from thinknig about Jay all the time, to thinknig about my Excellents all the time to back to thinknig about Jay all the time? And why?
Why did I start feeling sad again? Why doesnt thinknig about you guys make up for thinknig about Jay anymore? When did things change? When did I change? When did WE change as a group? When did boys start mattering to us? When did ANYTHING start mattering to us?
Compare the love I've been loved. One is more fullfilling but one never lets you down. One is more fun but the other is more senutal.
They both make you feel wanted.
Laughing with you guys is definitly better than laughing with Jay was. Side splitting laugher that makes you want to throw up. Until you cant throw up anymore so you just throw up stomach acids and bur nthe inside of your throat and then have to be rushed o the emergency room for throat delpletion and... wel lyou get the idea.
I want to cry though.
Because my life will never stay the same. I will lose everyone I love eventually.